04 July, 2017

i wonder

sometimes i wonder how he feels about crossing paths with me;
is he happy or is he unhappy
does he regret me or does he cherish me
maybe.. maybe I wonder about it more than sometimes
the more i wonder, the more it hurts
and while i hurt, i wonder if i am hurting him
i wonder if he is staying because he loves me or because he has to
the more i wonder, the more it hurts

30 May, 2017

shall we leave this town tonight;

Shall we leave this town tonight;
I wonder as all my skin shred leaving it fair

Shall we leave this town tonight;
I wonder as I gasped for a bit more air

Shall we leave this town tonight;
as your voice are now hushes

Shall we leave this town tonight;
as my heart break leaving ashes

Shall we leave this town tonight;
you left me when you were my moon

Shall we leave this town tonight;
you left me a little too soon

I packed all my bags;
and I shall leave this town filled with you

28 March, 2017

March;

Maybe the realisation that hit me when I turned 21 isn't as simple as I thought it would be. In my head "Yes, 21! month of lessons!". Maybe it's more like 21, year of lessons. I've been haunted by nothing but ugly thoughts and the only time my mind will rest is when I look at beautiful things and be thankful how I am blessed with beautiful people in my life. Which later I will beat myself for it; do I deserve this?

I have been nothing but hard on myself. I tell myself to love myself more and love the people around me more and learn to understand people more and when I can't do that I will beat myself for it and I don't know how to stop it. and I'll get stress about not being able to stop these ugly thoughts and I... I want to rest. It's been eating me. I don't want this. I don't want to feel so horrible all the time. I don't understand why do I feel this way.

but I must keep on going for me and for those whom I truly love

*********

but this month I also learnt to forgive myself for having these feelings. and then I forgave myself for not being good enough and I learnt to accept that whatever I am, this is me. Yes, I can be better but that doesn't mean I should not appreciate the present me. Yes, I am not good at a lot of things but I shouldn't let this blind the fact that I am good at doing other things. Yes, I do not understand everything but that is not my fault. Yes, I am not very good a being a good friend, but that doesn't mean I should stop being a friend that I am capable of being. Sometimes, things just don't turn out how you want them to be and that's okay. I think it's important to accept but don't settle. Keep on going. Cry it out and just let it go.

I also learnt to breathe more. When I realise my ugly thoughts are haunting me, I'll pause on life and breathe. I try to express gratitude and show more love to my surroundings. God is great, really, for giving us the feeling of altruism. Whatever that feeling is, it's great. I also learn that I am good enough for all the good thing that is happening to me and I deserve more. I am blessed with wonderful family, supportive friends, and an amazing lover. When I feel down about myself, I think about how good of a person these people are.. and I am apart of their lives. That means I am good too, right?

It's easier said than done. It's hard to believe that things will be okay when you can't see it. But you have to believe it to see it. I opened my heart more and stopped being so selfish about my dark feelings. I tried accepting all the good that I am. Boy, this part is not easy. but nobody can be a better you than you. Think of the times that good things have happened to you. I won't write down what they are because they are mine. but all i am saying is

after a storm there is a rainbow

28 February, 2017

February;

I'll be honest, every year, my birthday month has always been weird. I think it's definitely a month of lessons. Maybe a good hard trial to make sure I am prepared to enter another stage of life. This year, it's being 21. One thing for sure, it made me realise that I've spent far too long in the comfort zone. This thought spark after my boyfriend told me about endurance after he made sure I kept on running, even though I badly wanted to stop. But after running that distance, I actually felt really good. Good because I know I can run that far, good because I know I can do more, and good because someone believes in me. 

This month has been weird because of trials I didn't expect to face. I almost burn down the kitchen, which might have burn down the house. The air-conditioner in my (borrowed) car decided to bail on me after arguing with another reckless driver. I went to career fair only to discover I have lost all the confidence I had before. Yesterday, I got a call, a phone interview but answered all their questions badly. All these made me feel horrible about myself, I cried many nights beating myself about it. I got my last semester's result, and they're not good enough for internship. 

But this month has also been good. I realised that I have support and love from people around me; my family, my lover, and friends. The little and big trials made me realise how I might have been ignorant and under-appreciating the people in my life. I might have been thinking about myself way too much. "a pinch of salt" she would always say. I stopped by a masjid in bangsar the other day to perform maghrib and the ustadh was talking about friendship, it was as if God knew I need to here that. It made me miss a few of my friends. I hope you're doing alright.


This month my birthday celebration was definitely different than previous years. My friends surprised me with pizza and satay at one of the pondok in our uni. Malie slept over my place that night which made me feel loved. My boyfriend took me to poetry reading event which was wonderful, really. and we had sushi for dinner and I can't wait to someday go there together again and "make" our own sushi instead. 5 stars for a wonderful date. And that weekend I made spaghetti meatball for my family. Just as a thank you for providing me home for the last 21 years.

Thank you everyone, for the love and care, for the lessons and the reminders. I hope that no matter the circumstances, you will still go on with your life. I want that much for you as much as I want it for myself. To whoever that is reading this, take care of yourself and the people around you. Smile a little more, not just for your loved ones, but also for yourself. You need it more. Miracles happen in a mysterious way every day. You just have to open your eyes to realise it. Thank you for the wonderful month. 

06 February, 2017

friend

to the friend that i never thought would stay
i pray everyday you will never stray
you are perfect in every possible way
thank you for being more than a friend square

06 January, 2017

waktu

waktu...
aku kenang waktu itu panjang untuk aku
tapi semalam isnin harini jumaat
perlahan lahan bergerak sesaat
aku hanya mampu menunggu
bila pula tiba waktu aku?

17 October, 2016

Accidental

What feels real might be unreal
And what feels unreal might be real
Hm, whatever you feel.. how do you know to trust it?

Honestly, I was just praying for the best
And then you existed
I hope you are aligned with my plead

Because I fell in love with you
And it would be discourteous
If you weren't the answer to my late night thoughts with God

Poem by Kekasih

11.09/2016, 9:56:44 AM:
I like you
I like how you laugh
I like how you act shy around me
I like how your hand feels inside mine
I like your smile
I like how you smell
I like when you're all manja with me
I like it when you're with me
I like your presence
I love you so much, sayang

24 August, 2016

risau

Hari demi hari aku masih risau
Aku takut akan ketidakkepercayaan ini
Hari demi hari aku belajar engkau
Aku tenung wajah masa depan kini

Namun dalam ketakutan aku
Hati aku degil mahukan kau
Nama kau dalam hati terpaku
Hasrat mengata kau tiada risau

15 August, 2016

imagine us

i imagine it would be
something like the sound of
raindrops tapping on the pond surface

i imagine it would be
something like the sound of
fire cracking its way within the firewood

i imagine it would be
something like the sound of
crickets while we lay on our backs stargazing

that's the music i hear when i imagine us