28 March, 2017


Maybe the realisation that hit me when I turned 21 isn't as simple as I thought it would be. In my head "Yes, 21! month of lessons!". Maybe it's more like 21, year of lessons. I've been haunted by nothing but ugly thoughts and the only time my mind will rest is when I look at beautiful things and be thankful how I am blessed with beautiful people in my life. Which later I will beat myself for it; do I deserve this?

I have been nothing but hard on myself. I tell myself to love myself more and love the people around me more and learn to understand people more and when I can't do that I will beat myself for it and I don't know how to stop it. and I'll get stress about not being able to stop these ugly thoughts and I... I want to rest. It's been eating me. I don't want this. I don't want to feel so horrible all the time. I don't understand why do I feel this way.

but I must keep on going for me and for those whom I truly love


but this month I also learnt to forgive myself for having these feelings. and then I forgave myself for not being good enough and I learnt to accept that whatever I am, this is me. Yes, I can be better but that doesn't mean I should not appreciate the present me. Yes, I am not good at a lot of things but I shouldn't let this blind the fact that I am good at doing other things. Yes, I do not understand everything but that is not my fault. Yes, I am not very good a being a good friend, but that doesn't mean I should stop being a friend that I am capable of being. Sometimes, things just don't turn out how you want them to be and that's okay. I think it's important to accept but don't settle. Keep on going. Cry it out and just let it go.

I also learnt to breathe more. When I realise my ugly thoughts are haunting me, I'll pause on life and breathe. I try to express gratitude and show more love to my surroundings. God is great, really, for giving us the feeling of altruism. Whatever that feeling is, it's great. I also learn that I am good enough for all the good thing that is happening to me and I deserve more. I am blessed with wonderful family, supportive friends, and an amazing lover. When I feel down about myself, I think about how good of a person these people are.. and I am apart of their lives. That means I am good too, right?

It's easier said than done. It's hard to believe that things will be okay when you can't see it. But you have to believe it to see it. I opened my heart more and stopped being so selfish about my dark feelings. I tried accepting all the good that I am. Boy, this part is not easy. but nobody can be a better you than you. Think of the times that good things have happened to you. I won't write down what they are because they are mine. but all i am saying is

after a storm there is a rainbow

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